Ten Funniest Statements from the Academic Handbook
Recently, an article was published in the Khranicle by the name of “Top 10 Funniest Things In the KLS Community Handbook” (which all of y’all should read by the way). Inspired by its success, we devised a plan to leech off it—wait no. Uh... We wanted to continue in its grand legacy, and so we ventured into the forest of abandonment and disuse that is the Student Resource Hub. Here are our takeaways:
First things first, we’re immediately hit with:
Woo, nostalgia! And pain. Lots and lots of pain. Anyway, that gives you a little peek at how outdated this is going to be. Don’t worry, more of this ahead!
Students should plan to arrive by 8:45 am on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for morning meetings and by 8:25 am on Tuesdays and Thursdays for Advisory.
Outdated references/rules counter: 2.
Also wait, if this is still true then... 90% of middle school is consistently tardy. (Side note: slightly unrelated but - how did we put up with this last year? How much brain space did we devote to remembering if it was a :45 day or a :25 day? I’m honestly very impressed with our past selves. Pat on the back, Past Us!)
“KLS creates space within and beyond the core academics for students to explore their passions .... and quite often develop expertise at a far younger age than many would expect.”
I have a question now: was this developed for outside circulation? ‘Cause if not, why is the Handbook bragging about KLS students in a publication meant only for KLS students? Who else is going to se- oh. It’s the parents, isn’t it? It’s always the parents.
‘Beyond the core academics’ which consist of science, math, CS, and math. It’s laughable that we’re trying to pretend we aren’t a STEM school. “Our most popular club by far is Robotics, and the majority of 8th graders are in Geometry or above, but nooo. We like art and math equally. We’re a STEAM school!” I mean students definitely can develop so many passions in math like equal to art and music which we provide equally to math. I don’t know what you all are talking about what??
“At KLS, we aspire to get as close to Bloom’s vision of mastery education as possible.”
For some unthinkable reason, we’ve always thought that Sal Khan was our founder/god. But according to this, Benjamin Bloom is our man? Instead of emphasizing the KHANmunity, maybe we should be talking about student BENgagement? At this point we should rename the KLS KHRANicle to the KLS KHAN-BENdium.
If you actually want to know who Benjamin Bloom is, here’s a really good article.
“students should not be beholden to the grade they receive on a single assessment,” also “no evaluation is final”
Can we turn this into “everyone’s a student, everyone’s a teacher” or “no homework?” As in, every time we get a grade we don’t like, we just quote this to teachers? How can this even work if we don’t get our grades back before the end of the year?
“The approach to learning is informed by diagnostic, formative and summative assessment, goal tracking, frequent conversations with teachers and one-on-one meetings with advisors, and review of data from online tools.”
Then why is everyone’s grade at 89!? Either the students are trying too hard to get to a certain number (68+1) or the Academic Handbook is out-of-date. Obviously the former - when has the Academic Handbook ever been out of date?
Ok, is it just us or does this sound seriously creepy? I know the authors are probably just referencing Clever and Canvas (also why do all of our online school endorsed tools start with ‘c’?) but it’s written so vaguely it sounds like they’re talking about harvesting our search history. Wait… isn’t that just what GoGuardian is? Hmm…
“academic instruction is supported by a team of subject matter experts.”
Then how come “subject matter experts” can’t even show their expertise? At least for MS, half our class is spent telling us to quiet down and pay attention, and the other half is getting students to stop playing pirated Minecraft (eagler craft)- excuse me, Minceraft.
“To that end, our program is designed for students to complete their assignments and goals during the school day.”
How we all wish we had no homework and more goal time. Come on KLS, we’ve had a ton of lies in this handbook but this is one too many.
Goal Time sessions vs Supervised Goal Time sessions
Supervised goal times are supposed to be only to complete missing assignments and the rest of goal times are left unsupervised (Academic Handbook). Honestly, most students would prefer having this system then updating the handbook. Let’s just pretend this is up-to-date, y’all, goal time is extremely relaxed. (maybe a bit too relaxed)
“I take care of my surroundings and environment.”
Two questions: who wrote this? And: can they take me wherever this is true of KLS students?
The only evidence you need to refute this statement is Collective. That’s it.